I am so tired of being stepped on, I just want one thing and I was working hard and being happy while I waited on it. I had some sad moments but I knew time would tell. Then this happens, and here I am having my first anxiety attack in 6 months for the same reason but even worse. I want it to end. I regret it but I needed it. I needed someone to give me a little push, a little motivation. I needed someones bright smile in my life. I was so so so weak and vulnerable and still am, and still will be. So broken. So dead now. Don’t even expect me to smile the same way I use to. To giggle at pointless things. To try and fix my lipstick/eyeliner if I notice a slight problem. I won’t look into people’s eyes anymore. I can’t.
I have myself to blame for being so hurt, and tired, weak, sad. But don;t do this and don’t say these things to me while I’m crying so hard I’m seeing stars and tasting the snot run down my nose onto my lips. Fuck you. Someone. Fuck whoever did this. Whether it was all me or all you or 50/50. Fuck you. Now I know. I was warned. And you know what, if I have another chance to feel pure and lively again I will fucking take the chance. If I can walk next to this person feeling like I’m truly living life then I will continue to suffer for it. I will cry myself to sleep until I become tired of my own tears. Until I;ve cried so much I get use to it and just fall asleep. I will go to school and be even more emotionless. I will not attempt to acknowledge the present moment. I will be gone. I am gone. I am lost. Dead inside. Oh this is how it feels. You can’t even kill yourself, ou can;t even take those pills because strings are attached to everything you do. I coulld use the last of my being to drop everything that use to make me smile for something new, but I can’t possibly leave anyone or anything like this. I am buried in my sadness and I am finding myself content. I will get there someday, I will suffer again to gain it back.
It’s so fucking funny, I was getting so excited to turn 17 and I kept telling people at school I was so excited. So happy because to me, this age was leading to the right place. I was finally doing things for myself. And I was finding interests and thinking about college and future plans, I pampered myself. I woke up and smiled. And just now I hot rock bottom again. My eyes are so swollen I can barely see. I don’t even feel anything, my fingers are just pressing these buttons. I know there is something really wrong now and I think it’s too late to fix it. There’s even a string attached to this post because things might change 100% by tomorrow. And I hate that in the back of my mind I’m wishing that would really happen.
My birthday is Monday the 13th. I can’t even be happy now like I was going to . I was si happy earlier. I have never smiled so much today at school and now here I am. As soon as I even gain a little confidence in my being and actions I am dragged down I know I can only change this. I am terrified now. I’m not going to even fight. Just breathe. I am going to quit trying to be social like I was and get into people’s lives. I can’t handle the rejection. It hhurts so bad I never knew it would be so painful I cant even describe. I want it to be like the movies were the boy knows your crying and comforts you. Fuck that. I dont even want to be saved by someone. TO cry in someones arms, especially not yourss. I have a lot of hatred. And not even towards the things and people who treat me unworthy. What am I even typign. I am not going to school. I have been crying for 3 hours and even trying to get up at 6am to see all these ppl my age frightens me, I need a little time to regain the motivation I had to get up every morning.
Why is it this way…and if I let myself stay lonely and never get attache dto someone/something would I have been more happier or just as sad….
It’s 12am and I need to write about something that is consuming my thoughts. My birthday is this Monday on the 13th. Normally I am not excited for my birthday and I’ve stopped being excited since around 12 years old. But this one has been pondering around in my thoughts with excitement.
The first reason is: The man who I’ve been attracted to since my freshmen year of high school (and was my boyfriend for some time before we decided to have a break) wants to take me out on a date. Not just a typical movie and frozen yogurt date. A date with someone who I most admit is the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning.
The catch is: He wants to eat me out and I honestly want to get a little feisty too for once and pleasure him. (Notice I tried to type a more intellect way of saying I wanna suck his cock lol).
Yea what a fucking “date”. He wants to buy me something too. He said he knows I love the cutest things in the world. I love to get dolled up. And he wants to buy me lingerie. To me this is a fucking amazing gift…I mean, fuck of course he wants to see me in it but I love wearing it just as much, of course I’ll let him see. I just want this to go well. I often daydream about it and shiver a bit because I have never been intimate with someone let alone love someone like this before. And I think about the once in a lifetime moments. “How often will guy I actually would consider loving for the rest of my life wants to eat me out, buy me cute frilly lace lingerie, and maybe get fucking pizza?!” I’ll take the chance. hell yes. I always over think. But I just don’t want to be too nervous and back out.
On the other hand I’m excited to be another year older because I know myself well enough and I am finding things that I want to aspire to be. I have motivations and inspirations now. I have role models. I know I want to be more productive with this age. And I want to get out of my comfort zone during this age. Yes its just a number in counting but with every experience since the starting point I’ve changed for the worse and better. And right now it’s a period of preparation for the storm to come. But whatever. I’m making it sound like I’m going to a one man and a thousand battle. It’s honestly that way in the”real world”..
I typed too much but this is a side blog so whatever, I could keep rambling but its fucking 12am and I have to be up at 6….buh bye.
Deliriants are a class of hallucinogen that are unique in that even with lower doses, they offer solid hallucinations which display themselves seamlessly into waking consciousness, similar to fully formed dreams or delusions. In contrast, classical psychedelics and dissociatives have progressive…
It’s 20 degrees outside, everything’s frozen, I’m stuck in the house with a bottle of Robitussin gel caps. Let the tripping begin 👍 somebody should talk to me !
There is some kind of a sweet innocence in being human - in not having to be just happy or just sad - in the nature of being able to be both broken and whole, at the same time.
C. JoyBell C. (larmoyante)